


Heartbreak

by EnchantedApril



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-16 21:29:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8118217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnchantedApril/pseuds/EnchantedApril
Summary: Following on from "Stuck With You", Cat learns something about herself and is forced to tell Kara...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty angsty and will likely get worse before it gets better...

Heartbreak

I.

You know that telling Kara is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. It will probably be even harder than telling Carter. Because Carter, for all the standard divorce and distant-father crap he has had to deal with, has otherwise led a charmed life. He has never known true grief or loss. You have protected him from that.

But Kara... She knows grief. She still wakes up every morning and goes to your balcony and prays to her god from another planet to watch over all of the people she has already lost. The people she watched die as she sped away to a life she never asked for. And she has been preparing herself for grief on Earth for years; knowing that she will outlive everyone she knows, that she will have to rebuild her life again and again. You are going to push that grief onto her sooner than she ever expected. Sooner than she can bear.

Because you have been seeing a heart specialist since last year, since that first indication there was a problem, since that heart-attack that scared you all so very much. You've felt your breath shorten and your chest tighten, and you have had test after test to follow your heart's progress. Progress that halted six months ago and began to reverse, because you have a genetic predisposition to heart disease, they tell you. The muscle that keeps you alive is steadily weakening, and there are still some treatment options left, but it doesn't change the fact that if nothing works, you will likely not be here next year.

Every-other Friday is always a date-night dinner with you and Kara, while Carter is with his father, but you called Alex this afternoon and told her you needed her to come to eat with you as well. She knew something was wrong, of course, and you spent half an hour in your private bathroom fixing your makeup after you told her what was happening and what you had planned to tell Kara.

Kara is home before you and she is heating up leftover lasagne because you told her you would rather stay in than go out and she is just happy to be with you no matter the location. You stand on your toes to kiss the back of her neck, brushing aside her girlish pony-tail to do so. It's so casually affectionate and so comforting because it is something you do almost every day. She reaches back and hooks one arm around your waist, pulling you in for a more proper kiss.

The knock on the door tells you that Alex has arrived and you separate from Kara, clenching your fists and then relaxing them, trying to calm yourself as you walk to the door.

"I asked Alex if she would like to join us for a change," you say over your shoulder as you walk, trying to make it sound totally normal.

"Oh?" Kara questions. "Okay, that's nice of you. I haven't been able to see her much this week. Lots of office work and not so much Supergirl."

You let Alex in and you share a look before exchanging pleasantries and leading her to the living area. Then you call Kara over and suggest a drink before dinner. But then you forget to pour anything.

Alex sits on one sofa and Kara sits beside you on the other, and she seems to sense that something is wrong as she looks from her sister to you.

"All right, what's going on?" she asks, but she's still smiling, as if she expects the two of you to reveal some funny story or a prank.

"I - " you clear your throat and start again, twisting your hands in your lap. "I had something I wanted to tell you before we eat."

Kara shrugs then, carelessly, easily, expecting something minor like an unexpected business trip or a new acquisition.

"Okay, what's up?" she says, only slightly hesitant.

"Kara, you know I've been seeing my heart doctor since last year."

"Yes," she says, drawing the word out, while you watch her hands tighten on her knees.

"He's been keeping track of things. Running tests. Monitoring me," you say slowly, and you had everything planned out and now it has all gone to hell because you have no idea how to say any of this. "And lately things haven't been looking as good as they should."

"Well... But they can fix that, right? I mean the doctor last year said your heart would recover fine."

"Yes, and it did. For a while. But sometimes genetics are tricky and - "

"But you've been taking your medication, " she interrupts again, "and I've been making sure you don't over exert yourself, and - "

"Kara, I'm dying."

There. You said it. Brutal but truthful. You don't think you could have put it more gently without tears spilling over your cheeks. Now you've managed to get the words out without your voice cracking or your face crumpling like cheap wrapping paper. And then you look at Kara's face, and feel the tears in your throat and the backs of your eyes.

"What?" she whispers, so small, like a child.

"I - I - the doctors are looking for solutions but right now, my heart is very week and - "

"No," she says shaking her head forcefully, just the one word - 'No' - and then, "You are lying to me. Why are you lying? If you just want all of this to be over, then why not just tell me?"

Her voice is rising, the tendons in her throat standing out as she strains her voice, not just with volume but with the effort to keep it from breaking.

"Kara - that's not - I'm not telling you this to hurt you - "

"Yes you are! You are trying to get me so upset that I'll fly out of here and never come back," she insists, pointing out to the balcony as she springs to her feet, while her cheeks flame red and her eyes flash.

"Kara, no - "

"I hate you, Cat! I hate you!"

You have never imagined her saying those words.

Alex steps forward to stop her sister's tirade, but you hold up your hand.

"No you don't, darling. You don't hate me. And I don't hate you. And I am not doing this to hurt you or make you leave or anything like that."

"Yes you are! Because you are NOT dying. You CAN'T be dying! So this has to be a lie you're making up just to scare me off. To make me fly up to the Fortress of Solitude and just lock myself away."

"Please, sweetheart, sit down. Please," you are begging, and you never beg.

"Alex?" Kara looks over her shoulder at her sister. "Did you know she was going to do this? Did you know?"

Alex is about to open her mouth, but you interrupt her because you don't want any of the blame falling on her. Kara is going to need her, especially if she cannot forgive you.

"I asked her here because I knew you would be upset. I knew you would need support."

"Oh, you knew? You knew that telling me this would rip me apart so you got my sister to come and piece me back together? Why? Because the world needs Supergirl?" she mocks, and you shake your head gently.

"No. Because I need Kara. I need you Kara. I need you with me through this. But I know what it may do to you - what it will do to you - and I understand if it's too much. More than anything I need you to be okay, and that is why I asked Alex to come. Because if you can't forgive me, then at least you can lean on her. I need you to be all right, Kara," you say helplessly and finally your own voice breaks and you choke on a sob.

And suddenly Kara is sobbing. But it isn't like anything you have ever seen, and you have been in war-zones and reported from the site of school-shootings. Your lover simply collapses to her knees, not as if she is weakening, but as if the world is pressing down on her and she can no longer hold it up. As if she is seeing millions of people die behind her pressed-closed-eyelids, and if she sees you, and adds you to their number, then it will be more than her own heart can stand.

You ache to go to her and wrap her up in your arms and tell her that everything is going to be all right, but those are words, not truths, and you have no idea how this is going to end. You look to Alex, tears and desperation in your eyes, and she is staring at you with the same expression. She half-shrugs and motions to Kara, not knowing any more than you if your touch will be a balm or a poison, but suggesting that you at least try.

It is all you were looking for, and you fall to your own knees beside Kara and stretch your entire body around her as much as you are able, willing her to feel the press of your chest against her back and your fingers gripping into her biceps.

"I'm here, Kara. I'm still here. I'm still here," you repeat, whispering into her hair, breathing in her scent of shampoo and the expensive perfume you bought her, and air from flights high above the city.

"Please, Cat. Please just tell me it's not true. Please?" she asks piteously.

And oh, you wish you could. You wish you could tell her it was all a lie made up to scare her off, because you think that she would be able to forgive this, but leaving her? This way? You don't know if she will ever forgive you for that.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry," you tell her, and at the same time you realize that most people would probably be angry in your situation. 

They would be expecting to be the supported and coddled and cherished one, not the one curled around their partner offering gentle touches and soothing words. But you know there will be time enough for that. Hours and days of Kara treating you like glass and holding you so close. This time is for her. You have already cried yourself out over the unfairness of it all.

"Can't we do something? Anything? Another heart! Maybe an artificial heart? Maybe something in my AI could help?" she murmurs desperately.

"My doctors are looking into everything, darling. I'm on a transplant list but those take a long time to come up, and I doubt I'm the highest priority between my age and my drinking."

Kara sniffles and looks up at you with tear-glassy eyes, and whispers, "but your heart is the most important one to me. Doesn't that count for anything?"

And you hope to God that it does because you do not want this to be happening. You do not want to be leaving this woman behind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara is not dealing with the news well and has hung up her cape which only leads to more guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm warning you, I got choked up while writing this... But it will get better!

II.

It has been over a week since the last time you wore the blue and red suit that used to mean so much to you. It is hanging neatly in the far back of the walk-in closet you share with Cat. She told you once, when you were putting it away after a fight with some meta human, that the color wheel monstrosity had grown on her. Then she had kissed the grin off your face and you'd dropped the suit and it had lain crumpled on the floor for several hours.

You don't care if you never wear it again. You would gladly give it up, give up Supergirl, give up your powers, give up anything, if it would make Cat healthy again.

And she absolutely hates that you are doing this. This hovering - without actually hovering - this following her around and treating her as something imminently breakable, this behavior that is a constant reminder of her fragile heart. At first she tried to make you go out as Supergirl. She would watch the news and point out places Supergirl was needed. After a while, you just started leaving the room when she turned on the television.

Because you are not leaving her again.

You were half-way around the world when she had her heart attack, and while you all moved past that, the guilt never fully left you. Now? Now there is no way on Earth that you will throw yourself into the fray knowing that she might need you.

The doctors have assured you both that nothing is deteriorating that quickly, and that you should go about your lives as normal while they explore other avenues of care. Cat takes them at their word and throws herself into work at CatCo. Of course she does. Work has always been her refuge.

But you? Your refuge is her. So you resign from your new position at CatCo and insist on going back to work as her assistant. She tried to dissuade you. Read you the riot act, in fact, and cited numerous HR issues. You said you'd do the work for free. If you aren't on the payroll then she isn't officially your boss, and there is no conflict of interest.

She threw up her hands and gave in

She does that more often lately. Lets you have your way when formerly she'd have at least thrown some bantering words your way. Some days you wish she would fight with you properly. She needs to keep fighting. You don't want her giving up on anything.

Telling Carter was difficult. You did it together, out at the beach house, where the soothing waves were a counterpoint to the scene inside. You have to give him credit though, because he took the news much better than you did. He said he'd already suspected something was wrong because he'd heard two missed calls from the heart specialist in a matter of weeks. He cried and clung to her while she petted his unruly curls and traced patterns on his back. Then he'd hugged you for the longest time before saying that he wanted some time to think, and retreating to his room.

Unlike you, he had gone back to acting as if everything was completely normal. You asked him, one day, if he wanted to talk, told him he shouldn't bottle things in. But he'd told you he was fine, and that he wasn't going to dwell on the future because that would only ruin the present.

You wish you could follow his advice.

At the same time, you long to talk about what lies ahead. Since that first day, and then telling Carter, Cat refuses to sit down and discuss anything beyond scheduling medical appointments and procedures. She deflects and avoids and simply finds a reason to leave the room whenever you try to talk about the enormous heart-shaped elephant in the room.

You can't really blame her. Of course she doesn't want to talk about what could happen. What will happen if the doctors cannot help her. But you are terrified and devastated. You wake up from nightmares of being in a cemetery surrounded by gravestones of everyone you love. You have avoided facing this part of your reality for years and had hoped to avoid it for many more, but now it is being thrust to the forefront of your life and you cannot stop thinking about it.

You want Cat to talk about what is happening because you want her to tell you that everything is going to be fine and that they will find a way to fix her and that you can put all of these feelings back into that tiny box at the back of your mind.

Cat has taken to drinking herbal tea in the evenings instead of bourbon, and you are bringing her a second cup. Cat had rolled her eyes and told you pointedly that her legs worked fine when you'd jumped up to get her a refill. As you approach the living room, you see her hastily pressing buttons on the remote control and your eyebrows go up in an unspoken question.

"What's up?"

"Just a commercial for the Daily Planet. You know I can't stand those," Cat tells you but you know all her tells.

"Really?" you reply as you hand her the mug of tea and then deftly snatch the remote from her other hand.

You had been watching the news and you turn back to it now, wondering if you've already missed whatever it was that caused such a reaction in the woman beside you.

And then you see the video, taken hours earlier, and the scrolling list of names. Eleven people killed in a fire in a west-side office building including one firefighter. Your hands rest on your knees and your grip slackens, sending the remote clattering to the wood floor.

No one had called you. No one had asked for Supergirl's help.

Because you had told Alex weeks earlier that you were done with that part of your life. You had all but threatened to stop speaking to her if she tried to make you put that cape on again. And you had said the same thing to the rest of your close friends. James had been the only one to persist in calling you every time there was the slightest sign of trouble, and you had ended up blocking his phone number. He had apologized and you were speaking again, but you still had his number blocked.

"Kara..." Cat starts speaking to you and you know what she is saying. She is saying that it isn't your fault. That you can't blame yourself. You can't hear her over the pounding of blood in your veins, sending up a roar of white noise that blocks out everything. It is just beginning to recede when you hear her say,

"If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I'm the reason you --"

And whatever else she was going to say is cut off in surprise as you rise to your feet and look down at her, furious.

"Do not EVER say that again!" you shout, and you never shout. You belatedly hope that you haven't woken Carter. "None of this is your fault, Cat. Not one bit. What I choose to do or not do is on me, and I have to live with it."

There are tears welling up in your eyes when you finish speaking and Cat tugs at your hand, urging you to sit down again. She pulls you into her arms and you let her. Since your breakdown when she first told you her condition, you have not cried in front of her. You save it for the shower, or the chapel at the hospital when she's having a test, or your bathroom, late in the night when she is sleeping curled half on your side of the bed.

"I-I've never said that my life was unfair," you say, when the tears subside enough for you to speak. "I lost my whole world... I came here a scared child, and then I lost someone else close to me, but I never placed blame. I found my aunt and lost her again..." you choke and sniffle and Cat tangles her fingers in your hair. "But this - this is so unfair. It's not fair! I've lost everything - everyone - and if I lose you? And then face losing everyone else? Why? What did I do wrong? How can I keep living when everything that means anything to me is taken away?"

And suddenly you are sobbing again, with Cat just continuing to hold you but saying nothing beyond tender endearments. She has no other words of comfort because for you, there are none.

When eventually the emotional storm is over, you push back from Cat and look at her while wiping at your eyes. There are tear tracks down her face and you hate that you put them there.

"I'm so, so, sorry..." you say, fumbling for how to properly apologize. "You are the one who is actually suffering."

Your eyes are downcast but her gentle fingers tilt your chin up again.

"No, Kara, that's not true at all. This is happening to both of us. This is affecting you as much as me and I wish to God it wasn't. You're right when you say it's not fair. None of this is fair, especially to you. And maybe we should have had this conversation days or weeks ago," she says with a tiny shrug. "I knew how much this would affect you - has affected you - but I wanted to ignore it because talking about it hurts. It hurts to think of you in pain without me there to hold you."

"I didn't want make you talk about it if you wanted to try to forget about it all," you tell her. "I never wanted you to see me crying. It makes me feel guilty and horrible and selfish."

"Oh darling, you are the furthest thing from selfish. Anyone in your position would have every right to crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after them, but aside from being my constant shadow, you have gotten up every day and kept living your life."

"Well part of my life..." you say regretfully.

"Stop. You don't owe that part of yourself to anyone. You are allowed to do things for yourself, even if those things wind up being slightly overprotective," she teases lightly, but then turns serious. "Speaking of someone in your position... I was wondering if you had talked to Clark about any of this."

You shake your head. You hadn't thought Cat would want anyone else to know what was going on. It's bad enough that you had to tell Winn and James and J'onn to explain why Supergirl needed to take a sabbatical.

"I think it might be a good idea. I think it might be a good idea for you to talk to someone else too."

"What? Like a therapist? Cat, don't be ridiculous."

"It isn't ridiculous," she replies, her face completely solemn and eyes filled with concern. "You're slipping into a depression, Kara. I know. I've been there. All the superpowers in the world aren't enough to fight an invisible enemy. You just said that you feel guilty and selfish talking to me, but you need to talk to someone. Please?"

There is some truth to what she says, as reluctant as you are to accept it. Your head is nodding before you've mentally agreed, but then your words follow.

"I'll ask Alex if there's someone at the DEO I could talk to. And I'll call Clark tomorrow," you say quietly.

She smiles at you then, and it's blinding because you feel like you haven't seen that smile in days. In truth, she has bestowed just as many as usual upon you, but you have been too trapped in your own mind to notice.

When she takes your hand again and leads you back to your bedroom, you follow meekly behind. You have been reluctant to engage in any intimacy despite her doctors saying it is completely fine. Watching the sway of her hips and feeling the softness of her skin, you think that may have been a mistake. When she turns to look at you with hooded eyes, you think your remaining objections are about to be overruled, and you welcome it.

If this is to be your life, then you need to start living it again.


	3. Chapter 3

III.

A month passes and then another and you are almost used to this new normal. This constant feeling of anxiety that presses against your chest while you smile and joke and pretend that everything is fine. Everything is not fine.

You have talked to a counsellor at the DEO, against your better judgement. How could someone possibly understand your pain and fears when they had no frame of reference for the life you are living? The woman was kind and understanding and she nodded and commented with concern at all the right places when you told her of your feelings. You have not gone back to see her a second time.

You have flown out to Metropolis to see Clark - Kal-El - and that went slightly better. But while he shares your fears of outliving all of your loved ones, he still cannot completely relate. He doesn't remember Krypton. He looks at the AI of his own mother in the Fortress of Solitude and he sees a kind but stoic woman, standing stiffly erect and telling him facts about his heritage. You look at her and see the woman who bent over your shoulder, teaching you to paint; who tickled your sides and let you kiss her belly when there was a miraculous baby growing within. For him, the idea of losing everyone - everything - is still theoretical. But you have lived through it once and you don't see how you can possibly live through it again and remain sane.

People have begun to question where Supergirl has gone, but then you give your permission to J'onn and he begins patrolling the city as you. As hopeless as you currently feel, you know that Supergirl is still a symbol of hope for many, and you don't feel right taking that away from them.

When Cat is hospitalized in the third month, you start lying to Carter.

Because he asks you if everything is going to be okay and you don't want to see the look on his face if you say you aren't sure. But then he admits that one of the things he's afraid of is losing you, and it hits you like a shot of Kryptonite to the heart. Somehow you had never thought about what would happen if Cat didn't recover. If suddenly it was just you and Carter, and then Carter and his father and you in a city hundreds of miles away because you have no legal standing, no formal ties to the boy you love like your own flesh and blood.

Cat's face, when you mention it to her, becomes a mask of strength and determination. One you haven't seen in place when it comes to the matter of her own health, but of course it comes out when it's her son's life in question.

"Call my lawyer and have him come here to the hospital," she tells you. "And call your sister and Eliza and have them come too, and get some sort of justice of the peace."

Your eyes register first confusion and then shock as you realize what she is suggesting.

"Here? We're getting married here?"

And this is so completely not where you had pictured exchanging vows with the woman you love. This small room with stark white walls and fluorescent lights, and stiff furnishing is no place for a wedding. You shake your head and start to say that Cat will be out of the hospital soon and you should just wait.

"Darling," she tells you, "I'm not giving up. Not yet. But the sooner we do this, the better your legal standing will be. I can write you into the will. I can talk to Nathan and impress upon him that you ARE going to be in Carter's life no matter what happens."

"And we can still have a real wedding somewhere else?" you ask in a very small voice.

"Of course, Kara," she says with a smile, and if it is a weak, tired smile, you pretend not to notice.

The next morning, before Cat goes into surgery to have a stent and a pacemaker implanted, you stand beside her bed, with your small family crowded into the room, and you say the standard-issue official marriage vows. There are no personal vows. No Kryptonian customs. Because you refuse to have any of that marred by the memory of this place. You will save them for when Cat is well.

Because she is going to get well.

And the day after that, when Cat is still recovering, you fly to the DEO in your Supergirl outfit and you march into the labs and you tell Alex that she needs to find a way to fix this. You don't know how, but she just has to do it. It's a horribly unfair thing for you to ask, especially since you know that your sister will work herself ragged to help you. But you have to ask. You have no other options. So you roll up your sleeve, knowing that your blood holds so many questions and answers, and telling Alex that there has to be some way that it can help your wife.

Another month passes, with Cat working from home now because she refuses to let her employees see her as anything but strong and whole. She tires so easily, and needs to rest so frequently and you feel like you can see her slipping away from you. You lie awake at night watching her breathe, listening for her heartbeat.

You ask Alex for another favor.

You tell her that you need her to find a way to kill you.

Not quickly. Not painfully. You know how you can do that. And you tell her that if it comes down to it, you will take those steps when the time comes. When there is no one left for you. Because you will not be left alone again. You can't go through that again. You don't have that kind of strength.

"Kara..." Alex trails off as she looks at you, her face filled with sympathy but also anguish of her own. "You don't know what you're asking."

"I know exactly what I'm asking, Alex," you tell her, and it's true. You feel more sure about this than about anything in recent memory. "I just want to have this one piece of normalcy. I want to age like a human. I want to leave this world the same way my loved ones do, and at the same time, not hundreds of years from now - if ever!"

"I understand. I do. But how can I do anything to hurt you? What if it doesn't work properly? What if it works too fast? What if you change your mind?"

Taking her hands to still their frantic motions, you then look her directly in the eye. "I'm not going to change my mind, Alex. And I trust you. I'm not asking you to make something to give me tomorrow or the next day or even next month or next year. But someday. I am asking you to help me someday. To make this easier for me. To help me live a normal life. Because without it, how can I even continue being Kara Danvers for another ten years? Or twenty? Without ever aging? Kara Danvers will have to die and I'll be just Supergirl. Something I've never wanted."

Alex shakes her head and looks at your joined hands, taking deep breaths, and you know she's close to tears. You know this is hurting her and you hate yourself for it, but this is something you need so desperately and it's something you can only entrust to her.

"I'll try," she finally whispers. "I'm still working with your blood, looking for something to help Cat, but after - after that I'll try."

And you pull her into the circle of your arms, not making her look up again and reveal her tears. You hug her gently and whisper your thanks into her ear before pushing back and hurrying from the room before she can see the tears in your own eyes.

A week later and Cat has been released from the hospital but now she is refusing to speak to you.

As a condition of helping you find a way to age and die naturally, Alex insisted that you tell Cat about your plan. Your wife was predictably furious but you refused to back down and so now you are on twenty-seven hours and counting of complete spousal silence. You wanted to be upset at Alex for forcing the issue, but you know that you would have had to tell Cat eventually. You just don't understand why she can't accept your decision.

You spent one night in the guest room, but you aren't willing to waste any more precious time being separated from the person you love above all others.

"Cat?" you say quietly as you knock on your bedroom door before stepping inside.

She is sitting in bed with her laptop, layouts spread over the coverlet, fingers flying over her keyboard. She barely casts a glance your way and it's a glance still tinged with anger.

Shuffling slowly over to the bed, you reveal a peace offering in the form of her favorite ice-cream, available only from Metropolis.

"Humph," is her only reply, when she sees it, but then she reaches out for the container and spoon you're offering.

"I'm sorry," you tell her. "I shouldn't have started all this when we should be concentrating on you and getting you well. You don't need this extra stress."

She looks at you incredulously.

"So you're sorry about the timing but not about the fact that you're planning to kill yourself?"

"Cat, you make it sound like I'm planning to shot myself with a Kryptonite bullet," you say with great exasperation.

"If the results are the same, what difference does it make?" she says tersely, eyes hard and piercing.

"The difference is that all I want is what everyone else on Earth is given naturally!" you exclaim.

"Your abilities are a gift," she says, her voice softening, "and you are already refusing to use them because of me, and now this?"

Her hands are outstretched, the tiny muscle in her jaw jumping, and telling you how tightly she is holding herself, how much she wants to break down.

"When they force me to stay here - living - when everyone I love is gone, they are a curse," you say, equally softly. "You know this. You know - "

Your voice cracks and a tear tracks from one eye down your cheek and over your jaw. You wipe it away angrily because you don't want to break down now. You don't want to be emotional when you're trying to explain your decision as rational and understandable.

"But you could find someone else... You could find another family to love," Cat says tearfully. "You shouldn't give up that possibility just because you are determined to tie yourself to me - to this life."

Surging forward, you scoop her into your embrace and then you are holding her in your lap and cradling her head against your shoulder.

"I don't want anyone else," you tell her, somehow managing to keep from sobbing. "I don't want to have to start all over again."

It's a plea Cat has heard before from you, but maybe she finally realizes just how much the idea terrifies and haunts you. Maybe she realizes that somehow, deep inside, you are waiting for her permission to avoid that fate.

"Shhh... Sweetheart," she murmurs.

Then she pulls back slightly before tilting her face upwards and kissing you gently, then deeply and thoroughly, and you know that permission has been granted.


	4. Chapter 4

IV.

You never thought you would be as angry at Kara as you are when she tells you that she has asked her sister to find a way to end her life. You don't give a damn if she phrases it as 'end things naturally' or 'let me go peacefully', she's talking about signing her own death warrant, plain and simple. And that makes you feel furious. And the fact that you know she is asking for this now because of your condition and the fears it has drawn forward, makes you feel furious and guilty.

Because she has already given up the cape. She has tamped down a part of herself - the part she had already hidden for years and been so happy to free - simply so that she can stay closer to you. To take it one step further and insist that she needs to basically follow you into death? It's unacceptable to you.

You realize you are simplifying things, as well as being more than a bit egotistical. It isn't just the thought of you dying that tortures Kara, it is the thought of every person she currently loves eventually leaving her. It's the thought of being alone again. As alone as she was for two decades trapped in the Phantom Zone.

But you want to tell her that she doesn't need to be alone! She is the kindest, most generous and loving woman you have ever known and anyone would be blessed to have her in their life. She doesn't need to tie her happiness to you or to this life she is living. She has the ability to touch so many other lives. She has the capacity for so much love, and the opportunity to have so many other people love her in return.

You know she won't listen to you, and so you say nothing at all. Nothing about her plans or about anything else. You shut yourself into your bedroom, aside from meals, and even during mealtimes, you speak only to Carter. The baleful glances from both he and Kara almost make you break, but this is too important for you to relent so easily.

When Kara silently takes her soft flannel pants and the Supergirl tank top Winn bought her as a joke, and retreats to the guest room, you almost race after her. How will you sleep without her arms wrapped around you? How will she sleep if she can't hear your heart beating beside her ear? Because you know she listens for it all night long. You know she watches you long after you fall asleep.

There is no way you will be able to last another night, so when Kara creeps into your room the next evening, you are hard-pressed not to let out a long breath of relief.

Even though you can tell, by the look in her eyes and the tight lines across her forehead, that she has not changed her mind.

That night, as moonlight filters in through the sheer curtains and falls across Kara's delicate face, relaxed in sleep, you lie on your side staring at her. You hate that what is happening to you has triggered such deep-seated fears and sorrows in the woman you love. You hate even more that you can no longer find the will to fight her decision to limit herself to one relatively human-length lifetime.

You drift off to sleep with the vision of her peaceful features still clear in your mind's eye.  
One week later and you find yourself in a position to ask your sister-in-law about her feelings about Kara's plan. The instant shine that comes to her eyes, and the shake of her head she gives as she turns her face away from you tells you everything.

You are at the DEO because Alex has made some progress in her efforts to help you and she needs blood and tissue samples if she is going to continue. Your reluctance to become a lab rat is extreme, but when Kara looks at you, all desperation and fear, your resolve crumbles. And that is why you are lying on an uncomfortable bed in a lab with one rough earthen wall and no natural light.

Alex's research and testing has shown that Kara's Kryptonian cells seem to be capable of acting almost like human stem cells. Then can somehow transform into whatever type of cell they are exposed to and extend their healing abilities to those new neighboring cells. Kara has given up minute pieces of muscle and cells from several organs in order to test this theory. Now Alex needs to see if the effect will extend to human cells.

The look of naked hope on Kara's face makes you afraid. If this doesn't work, then she will be devastated once more and when you see the look of pure trust she casts towards her sister, you know that Alex will share in those feelings. You stare at the ceiling as the needle goes in, and you pray that this will work if only to spare the people you love any more pain.

Two days later and you are back at the DEO because apparently Alex's initial tests have been successful, and now she needs to insert a catheter into your heart and harvest just a few cells from the wall of your heart. So you lie on that same bed, and this time there are two DEO doctors present and they are telling you to start counting backwards from ten because you are about to go under anesthesia, and then you know nothing else.

When you come to, piecemeal and foggy, eyes stubbornly remaining closed, you can hear Alex and Kara in the room with you.

"You have to think about this, Kara. If this works, then where does it end? If this was ever made public then people would be begging you to become the equivalent of a walking blood bank, but even if it remains a secret, what then?"

You are confused but you remain quiet as you listen to Kara saying, "What do you mean? Cat is cured and we get to keep living our lives, that's what happens then."

"And what if Carter gets sick and needs bone marrow?" Alex asks.

"Well - I'd help him of course!"

Even in your groggy half-drugged stupor isn't the answer obvious? Why is Alex even asking Kara these things?

"And me? If all that drinking catches up to me and my liver starts to fail?"

"Alex, don't be ridiculous. You know I wouldn't let anything happen to you," there is the shuffling of feet and you are sure that Kara is pulling her sister close.

You expect Alex to relent, but she doesn't, continuing to question your wife.

"What about Winn? Or James? Cat's mother? Lucy Lane? Vasquez? What if that barista at Noonan's - "

"Rachel," Kara says dully.

And you finally begin to realize what Alex is saying and can tell that Kara understands as well.

"Rachel," Alex repeats. "Would you reveal yourself to her? Give up part of yourself? Where does it end, Kara? You can't help everyone."

"I - I don't know," Kara stutters out a reply, but then takes a breath and you can almost sense her resolve hardening. "But right now I don't really care. Right now I just want to make sure that Cat is going to live to see Carter graduate, to see her grandchildren, to be with me and everyone else who loves her. Don't I deserve that, Alex? Can't I just have that without having to think about everyone else in the world?"

That's unfair, and you know it, because Alex has always been one of Kara's staunchest defenders when it comes to any blame placed due to Supergirl not being "enough" to save everyone. She has held her more times than you can count and whispered that it's not her responsibility to solve all the world's problems. Now Kara is throwing that back in her face and you want to blink your eyes open and tell Kara that she's not being fair. But you remain silent, because you don't think this is a conversation you are meant to hear.

"I'm sorry, Kara," Alex says quietly. "I had to ask. This is big stuff - life changing stuff."

There is more shuffling and now you are sure that Kara has pulled Alex into a hug. You open your eyes just a sliver and see the two of them standing off to the side, lost in each other.

"I know. And I'm sorry I've put you in this position." Kara says and you watch as Alex shakes her head, but Kara keeps talking. "No, it's true. It's not like you would have done any of this if I hadn't practically begged you. But I just - I need to not think about the rest of it right now. I just can't -"

"I understand," the elder Danvers whispers and you know that she will carry this burden for her sister - and for you - until Kara is ready to confront it - and maybe forever. And you are not sure that is a fair thing to ask of her.

That night, you are back home at the penthouse, and lying safe in Kara's arms, and you ask her,

"What if this does work?"

She looks at you first in surprise, then with dawning realization as she pulls back slightly.

"You were awake. You heard us talking," she says, and you don't bother denying it.

"Your sister made some good points," you say rationally.

Kara lets out a long, long breath and pulls you close again, stroking your hair like a touchstone while she considers what to tell you.

You hate everything about this conversation.

"We're putting Alex in a very difficult position," you say quietly.

"And it's not difficult for me? For us?" Kara says and you can hear the heartache in her voice. "Why can't things just be easy? Why can't my Kryptonian DNA do something good for the people I love, without it becoming a complex ethical and philosophical dilemma?"

You don't have any answers. And now you have just brought Kara more guilt and pain and you hate yourself for it.

"It's late," you say abruptly, and you curl a slim hand behind her neck and kiss her gently. Lovingly. "Sleep, darling. Just sleep for now."

The morning will come and maybe things will be clearer then.

But then the next morning it all becomes unnecessary, because the doctors call, and someone has died, and there is a heart waiting for Cat Grant at National City General Hospital.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last we come to the final chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, and while I may not reply to every comment, they are all very treasured and appreciated.

V.

You know that you should be ecstatic as you rush to the closet for Cat's overnight bag - pre-packed as if she was an expectant mother waiting to bring new life into the world rather than a woman desperate to keep her own - and then shove some of your own essentials into an outside pocket. You won't be leaving the hospital for hours. You should be ecstatic, but instead you are nervous and almost hesitant, reluctant.

Because Alex was close. So very close. And a cure from her would be a true cure. Cat would be able to keep her own heart. There would be no need for anti-rejection medications. No threat of infection or complications. No hours-long surgery which you will spend pacing the floor and fighting to keep your super hearing and vision under control. A cure from Alex would be a cure from you.

But you say none of that. You don't even hint at it. You are all efficient motion and determination and if your smiles are slightly wobbly, well anyone in your position would be a little bit nervous.

Cat watches you with undisguised amusement. She has dressed and is sitting in her much-hated wheel chair, waiting to be transported to the car. You know how much she is looking forward to walking back into the penthouse under her own power. And that is the most important thing, not whether she is given new life from a new heart or your blood.

Carter is angry that neither you nor Cat want him to be at the hospital for the surgery. He wants to be there for his mother, but the surgery is long and it does have risks, and if the worst happens, you don't want him there to hear it from a coldly clinical doctor. James and Winn have agreed to stay with him, and they arrive just minutes before you plan to leave. Carter has been holed up in his room, but when Cat calls out a good-bye, he comes tearing down the hallway, falls to his knees next to her chair and throws his arms around her the same way he did when he was two and scraped his knee.

You almost cry, but you can't do that right now. Cat isn't supposed to get upset before the surgery, and having both you and Carter sobbing messes beside her is certain to upset her. Instead you give Carter a strong hug and look him in the eye and promise that you will look after his mother and you will call every hour even if there is nothing to report.

It isn't until you're in the elevator that Cat lets out a very, very long sigh. You reach your hand over her shoulder and grab onto the one being offered up to you. It is warm and strong and you know she will get through this.

"At least we don't have any ethical dilemmas now," she says, as if she has been reading your thoughts all morning.

"Yeah... Right... That's good... Right?"

"It's good, Kara," she tells you. "This will work. Have a little faith."

But faith is hard to come by for a girl who has watched a planet explode after being told over and over again that everything will be all right.

Alex meets you at the hospital, and you are incredibly grateful. You don't know if they would be able to pry you away from Cat's side if you didn't have Alex's fingers threaded through yours, lending you strength you shouldn't need, but need desperately. You whisper reassuring things to Cat after she has changed into a gown she declares hideous. You stroke her hair as she lies back in the bed, waiting for the nurses to wheel her to pre-op. You hold her hand tightly and press a kiss to her knuckles.

"I'm going to be fine, darling," she tells you, small smile gracing her lips.

She reaches up to cup your cheek and when her hand comes away damp, you realize you're crying.

There is time to kiss her again. And then again and again. Before the nurse tells you that it's time, and then she and an orderly are wheeling Cat out of the room and away from you while Alex grabs your hand again and squeezes so hard you know it's probably hurting her, just so that you can take some comfort in her strength.

Leaving the stark confines of one room for the stark-but-slightly-larger confines of the waiting room, you breathe heavily as if you haven't been able to do so since Cat left your sight. You fall heavily into one of the stiff upholstered chairs and sense, rather than see, Alex sit beside you. You're concentrating on the floor or your hands or the clock - simple things that allow you to lose yourself in their mundane details rather than actually thinking.

After a while you feel Alex's hand stroking up and down your back and you turn to her, suddenly tearful, and ask:

"What if this doesn't work?"

"Heart transplants are actually fairly routine nowadays," she says, putting on her bioengineer hat and trying to be all factual, but you just look at her because facts and statistics aren't what you want to hear about. "They know they're working on the Queen of All Media, Kara. Those doctors are going to be double, triple and quadruple checking everything they do to make absolutely sure that she comes through this surgery with a healthy new heart."

"And then? Years of anti-rejection drugs and all those side-effects? Complications? Infection? Rejection?"

Alex lets out a long breath, her fingers continuing their calming path along your spine.

"That's not going to happen, Kara. Please stop worrying."

"How can you sit there and say that? We don't know what will happen."

You lean forward then, putting your head in your hands as you brace your elbows on your knees. You wish you weren't wearing your hair pulled back in typical "Kara" style, because you would welcome the sense of security you feel with it falling around your face, blocking out at least some of the world.

"Kara, I know. I really, really know," Alex says after a too-long pause.

When you tilt your head to look at her she is just staring at you with those wide brown eyes, speaking to you with a look.

"You know?" you say in a small voice, feeling as lost as you did years ago, hiding under a kitchen table, afraid of the popcorn maker and listening to your new sister reassure you.

Alex nods.

"Whatever happens in that operating room, we will be able to help her," she says.

Later she will explain about your cells and nucleus transfer and how putting Cat's new 'superpowered' cells into her new heart will effectively cause it to gradually rebuild itself using her own DNA. She won't need anti rejection medications. She won't be at risk for future complications. She'll have the healthiest human/Kryptonian-hybrid heart on Earth.

For now you just look at her and you believe her. Because she is your sister and trusting her is a way of life.

The pale pre-dawn light slowly gives way to the sunrise and you watch it through the window, taking strength from it even though you cannot feel the tendrils of sunlight on your skin.

The transplant is expected to take from four to six hours long which is longer than usual, but Cat has had prior heart surgery and that makes things more complicated. Four to six hours of struggling to contain your powers and worrying. After the first hour of feeling helpless, and the first report that things are going fine, Alex grabs your arm and tells you it's time to go get coffee and food.

When Cat had her heart attack, you refused to leave the room. But between the nurse and Alex, you are feeling more confident in a positive outcome this time. You let Alex steer you to the elevators. You even joke about using your super speed to go to Noonan's rather than suffering through hospital coffee. Alex smiles at you, and the expression touches you in ways you don't expect. Because that smile is tinged with relief and you can see how tense and worried she has been. How strong she has been in the shadow of your own emotional weakness. She has always treated her role as your protector as the most important in her life, no more so than today. Showing her a sliver of your own relief has lifted at least a bit of that burden from her shoulders.

You link arms as you step off the elevator, and when you enter the cafeteria you send Alex in while you find a seat and call Carter. He's been waiting for your call and he grills you for more information than you have, but eventually seems satisfied that his mother is in good hands. Winn comes on the line and tells you that Carter has been great, and of course you already know that because Carter is always great. You have a tiny smile on your face as you hang up the phone because this day one of anxiety for you but you are beginning to feel hopeful as well.

It isn't until Alex returns with coffee and a crueller that you notice the television positioned on a central pillar, and see the talking-head newscaster reporting on the tragic earthquake in Brazil and the mudslides that are continuing to wreak havoc on the countryside. The twisting in your gut makes eating impossible and Alex is back to rubbing your back to give you the physical comfort you crave.

When you return to the cardiac waiting room, the television there has been turned on and the station is reporting about the earthquake but now they are also reporting that Superman has arrived on the scene. He is trying to shore up the land and buildings and find survivors and rescue the injured and he is just a blur across the screen as they film him. You know that as hard as he tries, it won't be enough to save everyone. Nothing would be able to do that.

But you also know that if Supergirl were there, there would be fewer lives lost. 

Your hands curl into fists, nails biting into your skin so hard that even you can feel it. It has been months since you last wore that cape but the guilt has never really faded and now it is back full-force. And how can you even think of leaving when Cat is lying helpless on a cold steel table, with machines keeping her alive and doctors stitching a new heart into place? How can you weigh her life against the many you might be able to save? Because you know that however unfair it may be, her life matters more to you. Matters the most.

The widespread devastation on-screen though, it tears at you the way all the robberies and car accidents and fires have, multiplied exponentially. Maybe because you always saw that shade of disappointment flit across Cat's face when you turned your back to the news, and you know how she would be looking at you now if she was there sitting beside you instead of Alex.

And your eyes keep flitting between the television and the clock and the doors that lead to where Cat and the doctors and a new heart are located. They keep shifting your focus as your heart raps a hard double-time beat against your ribs. Until Alex's hand lands on your forearm and you whip your head around to look at her and see those knowing eyes staring back at you.

"You know you need to go. You know she would want you to go. Wants you to go," she says quietly.

Yet knowing all of those things doesn't make your decision any easier because however far you may fly and however many lives you may save, your heart will be here. Your life will be here. And if anything happens while you are gone, well, you aren't sure you will be able to wait for Alex to come up with a kinder, gentler way to end your life.

But then she squeezes your arm again and you know you have to go. You hug her so tightly that you're afraid you must be hurting her, but she just hugs right back and tells you that she will let you know the instant she hears anything. In the blink of an eye you have taken off towards an access stairwell and it is lucky that it is still too early for many people to be awake, because they would see Supergirl streaking across the sky wearing jeans and a pale blue sweatshirt.

When you arrive in Brazil, wearing the suit you snatched from your closet after telling a teary-eyed but stoic Carter that you needed to go help, your cousin is scanning a mud-swept hillside for survivors. He sees you and startles in surprise because he knows everything that has been happening even if he doesn't know that Cat is in surgery at that very moment.

"I'm glad to see you," is all he says and you know he has never blamed you for your need to remain close to those you love and shut out the needs of everyone else.

"Tell me what to do to help," you say, and suddenly you are Supergirl again, and you are saving lives.

You barely hear the thanks that are thrown after you as you speed around delivering the injured to rescue workers, lifting cars from the mud, and evacuating buildings that are in danger of being crushed or buried. You don't even notice when a cheer rises below after you scoop up a school bus that was teetering on the edge of a too-narrow ledge. But you do notice the faces. The eyes full of surprise and then hope and then gratitude. You feel the touch of a child as she hugs you after you've rescued her family. You see your cousin smiling at you from nearly a mile away as he watches you heave an entire house from its moorings and set it on firmer ground with all its occupants unharmed.

And through all that what you do hear, what you do take note of, is the hourly reports from Alex, sent through your phone and directly into your ear. Cat is still alive. Cat is still doing well. Cat will be in recovery within the next hour and a half. The words are soothing amidst the chaos you're trying to tame.

When Alex tells you that Cat has been moved to the ICU and is doing fine, and should be waking up in another hour, you fly over to your cousin and ask if he has everything under control. He says that he does, because of your help. He tells you to get back to National City and Cat. And you know that Alex must have called him too and told him what is going on. He hugs you tightly, the way only another Kryptonian can, and then you are flying off, high into the sky where the tailwinds will help you fly back even faster.

You land first on the balcony of the penthouse, and you hug Carter and gather your clothes, and then you land on the roof of the hospital and spin back into your slouchy, unfashionable outfit, and run down the stairs to the cardiology wing. Alex is waiting for you there. Of course she is. Because she is always there for you. And she takes your hand and tells you that the nurses have given permission for you to sit with your wife.

There are machines beeping and hissing and wires looping from Cat's body while the steady drip of an IV empties into her arm. The sheets are pulled up over her chest, but you see the bulk of bandages beneath them. You see the paleness of her face and the grey under her eyes and the dryness of her lips.

And she is breathing and her new heart is beating and she has never looked more beautiful to you so of course you have to cry. Because holding in your tears is something you were able to do for two years at CatCo, but now? Now your emotions are continually laid bare before this woman who holds the best parts of you in her fine-boned hands.

The nurses come in to check on your wife, and they smile at you, comforting smiles as they repeat what you've already heard. Cat is doing well. It was a complete success. She should wake up soon. You want her to wake up now. You curl your hand around hers, rubbing your thumb over her knuckles, feeling the pulse in her wrist through your fingertips. It is strong and steady and comforting, and you can wait a while to see her green-gold eyes if she needs to take more time to rest.

You can wait, but you don't have to. Not much longer anyway. Those delicate eyelids you have kissed countless times flutter gently and then rise, just slightly at first and then more, and more as you whisper to her until you are staring at each other; her slightly bleary-eyed with a soft smile, and you with tears brimming and a grin that you think could power your own personal sun.

"So I'm just as tough as I thought," she quips, voice rattling and breaking through a too-dry throat.

But the words are enough to release your tears and you bend to kiss her before saying, "Of course you are. Was there really any doubt?"

And she just looks at you with those knowing, all-seeing eyes and you lower your own gaze and just kiss her again before turning to pour some ice chips into a cup.

You are reaching out to tip the cup to her lips when you feel fingers at your chest, at your neck. You pull back slightly and see Cat's smile growing wider and look down to see that she has pulled at the collar of your hooded sweatshirt and the flash of bright blue beneath is fully visible.

Starting to stammer out an explanation, you feel proud but guilty and you promised you wouldn't leave her, but you did. You did, and she is still smiling at you and now she is your sun.

"There was an earthquake," you manage to say, with a tiny self-deprecating shrug.

"I love you with all my heart," she whispers, her voice still rough from the ventilator.

And the words. Those words. They pull more tears from you and you brush them away, half-embarrassed, but laughing softly as you sniffle, with emotions just rolling through and over you completely beyond your control.

"I love you too," you tell her, and as trite and simplistic as those words may be, they really hold all the truths you need.


End file.
